Five Duties of Children to Parents

Note:  We continued our Sunday afternoon series on Christian family last Lord's Day at CRBC with a message on The Duties of Children to Parents.  Here are my notes (sorry for the spacing issues in the text [no spaces between some paragraphs, etc.]--for some reason Blogger is not cooperating with my editing changes):

The Duties of Children to Parents

Exodus 20:12

CRBC May 6, 2012

The Christian family series continues:

What are the Biblical duties and obligations of children to parents?

Though there are universal elements in these duties, we are speaking in particular of the duties of those who are Christians toward their parents.

Five Duties of Children to Parents:

1.      Children have the duty of honoring and respecting father and mother.

This is, of course, the essence of the fifth commandment, which has first place in the second table of the law, governing man’s duty to his fellow man.

The principle embedded in this commandment goes beyond familial duties.  As the catechism points out, it “requires the preserving the honour, and performing the duties belonging to every one in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals.”  It thus calls not only on the disposition of children toward parents, but also employees toward their supervisors, church members to their officers, and citizens to their magistrates.

 

Children are to show this honor in a respectful attitude toward their parents.  They are to speak respectfully to their parents.  One way this is evidences is by using “sir” and “m’am” when addressing parents and other elders.  They are to listen to their parents when they are spoken to by turning in the direction of their parents with an open and receptive posture.  They are not to speak ill publically of their parents or to publically disagree with their parents, though they might certainly seek private entreaty in cases where there might have been injustice or disagreement or need for further understanding.

In the OT, perhaps the premier example of a child dishonoring a parent is the rebellion of Absalom against his father David.  Compare, however, David’s lament at the death of his rebellious son:

KJV 2 Samuel 18:32 And the king said unto Cushi, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Cushi answered, The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do thee hurt, be as that young man is. 33 And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!

A child can bring a parent great joy or he can break a parent’s heart. 

The basketball coaching legend John Wooden told of visiting a star recruit.  The young man was terribly rude to his parents. In the end Wooden did not offer the young star a scholarship.  His reasoning, “If he could not be respectful to his parents, then he most likely would not be respectful toward me as a coach.”

2.      Children have the duty of obeying father and mother.

In the household codes of the NT, the operative term that is used to describe the appropriate disposition of a child to the parent is obedience:

Ephesians 6:1:  “Children, obey (hupakouo) your parents in the Lord for this is right.”

Colossians 3:20:  “Children, obey your parents in all things:  for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.”

Again, it has been rightly said that delayed obedience is disobedience.  This is the problem with the modern disciplinary method of “counting to three.”  It teaches that obedience may be delayed.  We should teach our children from an early age quickly to obey.  As a child grows older, into the teen years, it is not inappropriate for a child respectfully to seek explanation and reasoning on any command they might not understand or need to clarify.  But this should only be done respectfully and with a spirit of, “Yes, I will do what you ask, but I would seek this clarification.”

Note, however, that in Ephesians 6:1 Paul says that this obedience is to be “in the Lord.”  Just as a wife is not called to submit to a husband in unlawful and ungodly actions, so a child is not bound to obey parents in such actions.  Years ago when I worked at a summer boys’ camp, we had a child who through tears told us that his father would ask him to get on his bike and ride to a place to get drugs for him.  He was asking if he had to obey his father in this.  We told him, No, and we told our camp director of this who shared it with the church leaders who had brought this boy to the camp.

Perhaps the most vivid Scriptural picture of a child’s lawful unconditional obedience to a parent is in Genesis 22 when Isaac obeys the command of his father Abraham and is bound to the altar ready to be sacrificed, anticipating the obedience of Christ to the will of his Father on the cross.

3.     Children have the duty of listening to the counsel of father and mother.

It has often been said that one’s parents get wiser and wiser the older you get.

A wise child will realize that he has much to learn from the counsel of his parents.

This is the setting for the entire book of Proverbs which begins, “My son, hear the instructions of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother” (1:8).

The book of Proverbs generally affirms the wisdom of seeking counselors.  Proverbs 11:14 notes that “in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

A wise child will seek the counsel of his parents in his education, vocational calling finances, marriage prospects, etc.  Of course, when he marries a son leaves the household of his mother and father and establishes his own household, seeking the counsel of his wife, even over that of his parents.  Still, even after marriage he can see his parents as valuable resources.  Certainly, in the best circumstances, the parents are to be a spiritual resource and example to children. 

4.     Children have the duty of caring for father and mother in their old age.

The Bible was, of course, written before the days of the social safety net.  The burden of care for aging parents from a Biblical perspective is not the duty of the state but of the children.  We are to do this to the degree that providential circumstances will allow.

Compare some of Paul’s teaching on care for widows:

KJV 1 Timothy 5:3 Honour widows that are widows indeed. 4 But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God.

 He then adds:

KJV 1 Timothy 5:8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

 When you become a parent you realize how much your parents did for you.  In the natural process of time, the tables begin to turn and you may be given opportunity to serve them even as they served you.

5.     Where there have been failure and breaches, children have the duty of understanding and forgiving father and mother.

Part of personal emotional and spiritual maturity is coming to the realization that your parents were not perfect and perhaps did not do all perfectly in your upbringing and yet extending to them forgiveness and grace.

This is certainly not to whitewash the experience of those who went through real abuse.  Sometimes full reconciliation cannot ever be achieved.

But in ordinary circumstances the disposition of children toward parents should be one of grace even in their parent's faults.  Compare:

KJV 1 Peter 4:8 And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

KJV Luke 6:37 Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven:

One of the best examples I have seen of this is in the book Troubled Journey by Faith Cook.  In the book Cook writes about her life as a missionary child in war-torn China, including many of the hardships the family endured as her parents pursued their service along the line of Hudson Taylor’s philosophy that the needs of family had to be sacrificed on the altar of missionary service.  Shortly after the death of one of her brothers, Cook was left in a boarding school while her parents returned to China.

She notes that her father’s commitment to mission work “was all consuming:  at times almost obsessive in character” (p. 97).  She adds that to understand her parent’s decision one must realize “the ethos in which it was made.  An immense value was placed on this sort of sacrifice by the Christian community in general and it was viewed as honourable and highly commendable” (p. 97).  She reflects:  “These men and women felt they were offering up to their God their ‘Isaacs’—their most valued possession—as indeed they were; but sadly, the question they did not address was whether God required such sacrifices” (pp. 97-98).

As Cook completes the story of her childhood, she relates the long distance letter writing relationship and infrequent contact she had with her parents throughout her teenage and college years.  She notes that her “unsettled childhood, sheltered school environment, and now the loss of any stable home base” left her “ill-prepared for the cold realities of the adult world” (p. 112).  Despite the hardships, however, Cook also points to the Lord’s gracious provision throughout the experience.  She went on to marry, to become a pastor’s wife, and to raise her own family.  In the conclusion, Cook reflects:  “It had indeed been a troubled journey for both my brother and me, but as I look back over the path I have traveled, I can see now see that despite the undoubted sufferings through which we had both passed—unnecessary sufferings in many respects— God has supported, protected, and added unexpected provisions for our needs along the way.  Even the sufferings themselves have proved to be part of God’s design for my life” (p. 116).

I think Cooke models here the Biblical attitude of a child to parent.  Not whitewashing or excusing all, but honoring.