Reformed Baptist Paradise

From the Confessing Baptist website:

 

 

REFORMED BAPTIST PARADISE
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As I go through my life with its toil and pain
I look in God’s word and realize it was ordained
All is predestined for a Baptist like me
As John Calvin taught in his theology

 

Last week I wrecked my car and I broke my arm
My kitty cat drank antifreeze and bought the farm
But since it’s all loving providence to me
I can hardly wait for the next catastrophe

 

Yes, I look to the book; I’m into Puritans
I can even quote from Owen’s work on indewelling sin
When I finish my devotions and you finish thine
Then we’ll do a study on the 1689

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Been spending most our lives in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
We read Spurgeon day and night in Reformed Baptist Paradise 
The best authors all have died in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
Scofield Bibles are despised in a Reformed Baptist Paradise

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The preacher called me gluttonous and fat today
He told me to repent and choose the narrow way
I really don’t mind; in fact I’m very glad
‘cuz the sermons no good unless it makes me feel bad

 

I don’t flog myself even when I deserve it
A Baptist doing penance? You know that’s unheard of
We homeschool our children ‘cuz the public school stinks
Then the kids go to college and their moms to the shrink, bro’

 

If you come to church, you won’t believe your ears
We’re singing hymns that no-one’s heard in 300 years.
There’s no rock-and-roll, but please don’t think we’re queer
We’re just full of reverence and fear

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No drama, choirs, no puppet shows,
not a single special song
Just expository preaching
two or three hours long 

 

We’ve been spending most our lives in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
The pope would have to get baptized in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
To speak in tongues would be unwise in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
Janet Jackson would be shy in a Reformed Baptist Paradise

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Courted me a wife; she soon became a mother
Baby born on Monday; 9 months we’ll have another
You think you’re really wicked? You got an evil heart?
Well I know I’m a million times as wretched as thou art

 

I’m the family leader and the children best obey
While my wife slaves away so we can rest on the Sabbath day
So don’t be crude, and don’t be rotten
‘cuz Pastor Martin says I’ll have to show my love upon your bottom

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Been spending most our lives in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
The nursery is super-sized in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
[inaudible] are nice in a Reformed Baptist Paradise
Backsliders think it bites in a Reformed Baptist Paradise